I have joined the Borg collective.

The Borg port is installed.

The worst part was going without food for fourteen hours prior to the surgery.  The best part was the warm glow immediately following surgery.  Thank you pharmaceutical industry.

Today my shoulder is sore, I am fatigued, and I feel generally crappy.  However, for the most part, it’s not that bad.

Just don’t expect me to jump up and say “Tennis anyone?”.

In case you were thinking of buying yourself one of these gizmo’s, the brand name is PowerPort.  They come complete with a key ring, ID card, and a check list.  None of these accessories appears to have any practical application.

The product also has it’s own motto, which is “Feel the New Standard of Care”.  Considering how sore my shoulder is, and how crappy I feel in general, they might consider firing the marketing people that came up with that motto.

I’m thinking if you’re going to have a snazzy name like PowerPort you should stick a number on the end.  Preferably a large one.  Something like PowerPort 4000.

Everyone would instantly know someone with a PowerPort 4000 is more manly than some guy driving a Ford 150 truck, for example.  After all, anything rated 4000 is way more masculine than something rated a mere 150.

Unless, of course, the Ford 150 has a winch.  Which would be a whole different matter entirely.

The best part of leaving the hospital is they give you party favors.  My favorite was a clear plastic barf bag marked with numbers so you can measure exactly how many ounces you hurled.

I’m not sure how I’m going to use this, but I’m sure it’s going to dramatically improve my social standing.  If this doesn’t make me popular, I don’t know what will.

This entry was posted in Updates. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to I have joined the Borg collective.

  1. Linda says:

    Gary ~ I’m glad to know your sense of humor is still intact. Your comment about the barf bag reminds me of newborn infants. They weigh the infant before and after feeding, just to see how much they’ve ingested. Well, this is sort of the reverse, but hopefully you won’t need it much if at all. I hope you’ll feel better as the day progresses!

  2. Anne says:

    Oh, and did we remember to tell you that the company which makes the PowerPort (4000 or otherwise) has trademarked the purple color of the port. (Yes, that picture is actually of an inferior brand!) This same purple color is then used for the Lance Armstrong-style bracelet and the key chain. The only purpose of these trinkets is to remind you to tell any provider with whom you come in contact that you have a POWERPORT, you know the purple one. What marketers won’t think of.

  3. Marcia says:

    I’m glad to hear that your PowerPort comes with an ID card. I have heard that theft of PowerPorts is quite common. Everyone wants one. They are quite the new fashion accessory.

    Re: the trademarked purple, it is probably so Nexium couldn’t steal it for their “purple pill” and call it the new purpler purple pill.

  4. Candace says:

    Yes, I noticed the *Purple* Power Port aka the PPP. Trademarking the color makes incredible sense, especially when you consider that no one can see it once it’s been implanted.

    http://www.norcalvascular.com/img/port.illustration.gif

    Of course, this makes for hours of fun with your family and loved ones. What color is my Power Port? Maybe there will be a book as well in the vein of What Color Is My Parachute?

    And then, think of the bragging rights that you have with other patients. “Oh, you have the old, outdated model. Mine is royal purple. Too bad you can’t see it.” It’s important to add the word royal if you are really out to impress the other patients.

    So, Gary, what’s it like to have someone cut into your jugular? No worries. You’ll get accustomed to your Borg addition. Be thankful that you have it. Chemo without it would fry your veins.

    And with that happy thought…

    Pay attention to what the collective and your new Borg body is telling you. Get some rest. You’re fatigued for a reason. I don’t know, however, who the sadist was that wrestled with your shoulder while you were out cold. That’s probably the reason for feeling crappy as well.

    Candace, Neophyte Earth Angel in Training of the Healers and Health Advocates Guild, ex-Borg number 1,275,602 of 915,450,343,784,132

    I keep forgetting the *in training* part. =)

  5. Gary says:

    Linda – The medical professions fanaticism about count and measure is totally weird. They have an obsession with how tall I am, how much I weigh hour to hour, and what date I was born. It’s not surprising they also have an interest in measuring barf.

    Marcia – The reason I had the PowerPort surgically installed was to prevent theft. If they want to steal it, they have to steal me. I figure that will stop them because Anne is the only one who wants me around full time.

    Candace – You might not be able to see my Royal Purple PowerPort 4000, but I will always know the trademarked color was designed especially for me. It makes me feel special.

    Thanks for the link to the diagram of the port in action. Prior to your link I had no idea I will also get a “PowerLoc Safety Infusion Set”. From the looks of the picture the PowerLoc inserts into the PowerPort the same way Lego’s snap together.

    Not only will I be a Borg, but I’ll be a Borg with parts made from Lego’s. How cool is that?

  6. Candace says:

    Be careful with those parts, Gary, or you might end up at Toys-R-Us. Or, for that matter, you might end up at Borgs-R-Us.

    The *PowerLoc* description makes me wonder if someone will be able to unlock and/or open you with their garage door opener. A Borg Lego with remote control. You truly have joined the collective.

  7. Gary says:

    Now that you mention the garage door opener option I realize I didn’t get the best product. The device I got has no electronics at all. None. It would have been much more cool to have a model with a flashing red led light protruding from my chest to indicate the device was working properly. Better yet, it could have a clock that automatically reset to 12:00 every time the electrolytes in my body drop below a certan wattage. I wonder if it’s too late to upgrade.

  8. Candace says:

    Rumor has it that some of the ports come with GPS devices, although I haven’t a clue how they might be used. It’s even been suggested that some ports come with LoJack chips. I’m guessing that the chip is used for high-risk, newly assimilated Borgs who might be inclined to flee the Collective.

  9. Gary says:

    There is no need to put a LoJack chip in my port to know where I am. All you have to do is ask my wife. Of course if the person looking for me were a telephone solicitor, who are primarily Borg, she would probably lie to them.
    I am not concerned about the GPS device. Between the Google and Facebook Empires I have no privacy and there is nowhere to hide. I am out there if they want me. The upside is they don’t want me.

  10. Stephan says:

    I’m going to have a real fun time explaining “borg” to mother! She’s no trekki!

  11. Gary says:

    You could begin by explaining Ferengi economic theory, the appropriate time to jettison the warp core, and the relative military strengths of the Klingon vs Cardassian empires. Once she understands all that, explaining the Borg should be a snap.

    We missed seeing you the time we dropped by to visit your mother awhile back. It’s good the hear from you.

Comments are closed.